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Regret is a Heavy Thing

March 23, 2011

I’ve been feeling very sad lately. Ever since I wrote about wanting to get back into shape and healthy I’ve been vacillating between motivated and depressed. Last night I hit the wall and really just lost it, crying, alone in my apartment with two very concerned kitties staring up at me wondering what the hell is going on.

I cried because I feel fat. I cried because I feel fat and I am NOT fat. I mostly cried because never, in my whole life, have I felt happy with the way I look.

And that’s really sad. I’ve been wasting my life worrying about my appearance. And I look back and see a 125 pound girl in high school and feel sad that she didn’t feel good enough. That girl was embarrassed to go to the mall and try on size 7 pants while her girlfriends complained how hard it was to find 00s. That girl was beautiful and fit and healthy and still felt bad about herself. I regret that.

I look back and see a 138 pound girl two summers ago and feel sad that she didn’t feel good enough. That girl had lost 28 pounds but thought there was still work to be done. Her arms weren’t toned, her tummy wasn’t perfectly flat, she could stand to lose just a few more. That girl still felt embarrassed to be in a bathing suit and to buy

size 12 shorts. That girl was hungry all the time and still not happy with the way she looked. I regret that.

Because right now? {Deep breath} I am 168 pounds. I am 5’4″ and 168 pounds and at my highest weight ever. 168 SHOULD NOT BE A TERRIFYING NUMBER. But it is, and that makes me sad too. When will I ever be good enough for myself?

I know I will never be a stick thin model, I came to terms with that long ago. I have hips and thighs that aren’t going anywhere no matter what the number on the scale is. So what is my problem? Why couldn’t I be happy with the way I looked even at my lowest post-high school weight? Why am I still looking at my friends and thinking, “I wish I looked like that”? Why can I only see how good I looked after I’ve gained it all back yet again? Even with a loving boyfriend who says I look beautiful to him always, no matter what, and he doesn’t see the weight changes, I see them. I feel unattractive, I feel like “the chubby one” when I go out with people, I feel disgusting. I hate the way my clothes fit, I hate the way I get a double chin when I smile, I hate that I feel guilty every time I eat, I hate that I don’t want to spend three hours a day running, I hate that it’s such hard work for me to maintain a smaller size. But you know what I hate even more? I hate hating myself. I hate being sad. And I hate salad.

And then this morning, I woke up to this blog post, as though the blog gods knew what I was feeling and decided to give me a boost. I look at those women and I think every single one is beautiful. I really do. I actually look at some of them and think, “I wish I looked like that.” And then I look at their stats and see that they have the same measurements as me at different points in my life. So why can’t I see myself as beautiful too?

I honestly don’t know the answer. I don’t know if I can fix my brain to not see the flaws in myself when I look in the mirror. But I know I’m going to try, and the first step (what always makes me feel better) is writing about it. The next step is keeping up with my exercise routine and working really hard not to feel sooo bad when I slip up, because all that leads to is an eating disorder. I do want to be healthier, but I also want, more than anything, to be satisfied with the way I look no matter what I weigh. I want weight to be a non-issue. I want to be focused on health instead of numbers. I want to be able to raise strong, confident, healthy daughters who learn those traits because their mother showed them instead of just telling them to feel good about how they look. I want to set an example. I want to look back over my life at 80 and not regret that I spent it worrying about how I look instead of enjoying all the special moments that life has to offer.

This is step one.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. March 23, 2011 1:56 pm

    You, and this post, are both lovely.

  2. March 23, 2011 2:40 pm

    I am proud of you! What a wonderful post! I love the post you linked to, too! I know it’s hard, and I’m right there with you in the whole “I don’t look good enough” mentality, but I think your new mindset is inspirational!

  3. Beth permalink
    March 23, 2011 7:37 pm

    You don’t need to hear it but I’m going to say it. You are beautiful. Now the hard part is accepting who you are and respecting yourself and being CONFIDENT!!!. I’ve struggled with weight all my life, not skinny enough, fat thighs, fat calves (ugh) could never wear skinny boots or strappy tops. But know this. Your BF does mean it when he says he loves you and your beautiful. NOW…onto reality. OK… if you want to lose weight and who doesn’t, It takes time and commitment. You know its a journey that will last you your whole life. Its all about PORTION control. You’re not alone but it is almost impossible to diet alone. If you can Weight Watcher and going to the meetings actually does work. and next time…no cake when you come to visit! LOL… love you…((((hugs)))) Beth

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